The past few days...part one

So it's been a few days. I don't remmeber how long actually. Dante is taking a nap at the moment so I thought I would try to write a bit. We'll see how long it lasts. I think he senses when I'm trying to get something done and wakes up... ah, well.

Friday I went to see my therapist again. Second session, first real session since the first is an evaluation of sorts. We talked about the anxiety a bit, and ended up talking about Dante's birth/c-section. I guess I had not ever really considered it to be a 'traumatic experience' but it was. The 24 hours in labor not so much, but the whole c-section thing was. Feeling the surgery, having to be knocked out (mostly), the experience while under the effects of ketamine, the whole she-bang was just traumatic, not what I expected, far from what I wanted. Having nightmares about it is not normal.

I admitted that the anxiety/depression did tend to get worse after Dante was born, as did the body image issues again (though I've always had those). It's not easy for me to say but I do feel as if I failed Dante. Women are literally built to have children and I failed at that. I failed to give him a normal start to life, how it should have been, and even when I couldn't do that, I couldn't maintain enough during the c/s to see him being born. I have alot of regret, alot of resentment on that, but not to the doctors - to myself.

I'm a failure. My body failed. My control failed. I failed Dante as his mother and who was supposed to make life as easy as I could and bringing him into it as comforting as possible.

She thinks, probably rightly so, that since my sense of control shattered during his birth and c/s, it triggered an onset of the anxiety and depression and eating issues all over again. Like I said, probably right.

(sigh)

Also, went this morning to see a psychiatrist at the same office for an eval. He says he knows I have moderate depression with bouts of major depression episodes; generalized anxiety levels with panic attacks; definite body image issues. He also thinks I may have:
* dysthymia - a moderate form of continuous depression that lasts 2 years or more. (likely)
* IED (intermittent explosive disorder)