"It's a broken life that I cling to, trying to make right. I feel dismayed, just like you do. I feel decayed. So find me a way to leave this wasted life behind me after all... "
-------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------------------------------
So first off, Happy Halloween. I don't know who I'm wishing it to since only a few have this link, but happy halloween anyway. Or it should be.
Today... isn't really a 'happy' anything thus far.I started out feeling okay, but that quickly got shot down. Chad will likely only get a three day weekend, since Christmas is on a Saturday this year. Needless to say, there won't be enough time for us to fly to TN.
Honestly, I feel like that's Chad's fault. I don't think he HAD to take that month - his entire leave and then some - of post deployment leave. I even asked him if he would leave a week for us to use for Christmas and he said they wouldn't let him take it anyway. Flat out no. And he wasted the majority of that post deployment leave on the couch on his computer anyway besides the week we went to TN and even then he got mad anytime I asked him to grace him and the rest of the family with his presence away from the computer. Yes, we went to town one night and had a generally nice time, which is why I don't understand why the computer is so much more attractive to spend time with than me and Dante.
At this point, I don't much care. If he wants to spend time with that box, as nearly everyone who saw us commented on, go ahead. You're the one missing out on the time, seeing as you'll be missing 7-9 months of Dante and me next year. Christmas has always been about spending time with family rather than presents which is why I'm so disappointed Dante's first won't be in TN. Yeah, he'll be here with us, but we'll open presents and the rest of the time Chad will be on his computer anyway. As usual. I know that, as sure as I'm sitting here listening to Seether, hoping the baby will sleep so I can get ito the shower and cry a little while.
Chad and I haven't been a "couple" for a long while, much less a "family." We're people who co-exist in the same house in the evenings and on weekends and generally try not to interact with one another. It's easier that way.
"I'm out of reasons to believe in me. I'm out of trying to get by...I don't belong here and I'm not well. I'm so ashamed of the lie I'm living, right on the wrong side of it all... I can't face myself when I wake up and look inside a mirror. I'm so ashamed of that thing. I suppose I'll let it go til I have something more to say for me."
-------------------------------------------------
I talked to my grandpa last night. I told him I was thinking about getting into base housing, or getting on the list anyway. And being the Papa who was with me throughout college and deployments and basic training, he said "I get the feeling you're lonely out there. You are, aren't you?"
What could I say? "Yeah, I thought I'd be okay as long as I had who I thought was my best friend out here with me, but turns out I have no friends and no family now. I have Dante, but that's about it"? No, I couldn't say that so all I said was "Yeah, it's hard when you lived in one spot your whole life and then move to where you don't know anyone."
He knew I wasn't telling him everything. He and I are too much alike for that. But he also knew he'd have said the same thing.
"No, there's nothing you say that can salvage the lie, but I'm trying to keep my intentions disguised."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dante's 12 weeks, 3 months, old tomorrow. We'll probably just do our ordinary everyday stuff. Watch Psychic Kids, Paranormal State, get his nap, go for a walk, try to clean if I can, that kind of thing. He's getting worse about trying to gnaw on his hands, but the teething ring is still a bit too big for his hands to hold and to fit into his mouth. I'll keep the pacifier up and keep watching him like a hawk, little booger.
No comments:
Post a Comment