My boy turns five months old tomorrow.
I look back at videos of him at 2 months and feel like even though I'm IN the video, have been with him every day of his life, I MISSED it somehow. I feel like I failed, like I should remember more of when he was that little, but it seems like everything is in hyperdrive. And it went so quickly I can't remember.
It makes me want to cry.
I love Dante more than anything. He's my biggest blessing. But I can't help but wonder if the pain of all this, feeling all I feel about 'missing' it, like a failure, if it wouldn't have been better ll around if I hadn't ever had children. I hadn't planned to, and I can't anymore. They'd have to knock me out completely for another c-section after the last epi failed, and I can't take not remembering another birth. That still kills me.
The more I realize, the more I think I should try to get back in to therapy. That I should really do it and not just talk about it. The BDD, OCD, anxiety, relationship issues, self confidence, mothering issues... I have my good moments but when things quiet down at night and it's just me and my rambling mind...
it's not pretty.
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