Enough

So this blog entry is not necessarily going to be about pregnancy, though it is going to tie in, if you're interested. This is more about my emotional state right now, than anything.

I'm just... fragile. That's how I feel. Breakable. Vulnerable. Uncertain. Exhausted. Overwhelmed.
Very very fragile.

Several things have happened lately to bring back those feelings of inadequacy, failure, with a strength that stings. I feel like I should be able to handle some of the things I can't, and because I can't, I'm obviously not the person that people think I am, the person I should be. In a few situations, my logic screams, "you did more than you should have! you did everything you possibly could and then some!!" and another part of me whispers that it doesn't matter, it wasn't enough.

I can't seem to stem the anxiety, the worry, the concern about more than a few things, though most of them are more about trying to make things work for others than for me. I am trying to take control of my life, my wishes as an upcoming parent, my belief in the woven threads of my marriage, for the sake of my  baby, if not my own sanity, but...

Will I be enough? I feel so unworthy, so not enough for so many people and situations that I wonder if I'll even be enough for the baby I've fought so hard to keep healthy. Will I be enough for him? Will he know how hard I am trying to fight for what I think will be best for myself and for him? Will it matter?

Maybe another reason God gave us this child was to show me how I need to stand up for myself, for what I think is right, for my husband, myself, our baby - our little family. Maybe he knew that I would need someone, something to give me the strength to do that. I just hope it's enough...